I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
