some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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