I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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