9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
