My sheets look like a crime scene.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
