If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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