does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it's like heaven, but drunker
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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