good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
