The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
