my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
