So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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