I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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