Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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