There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
