the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
