Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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