I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
