She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
