been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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