The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
