Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
