I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
