Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
