i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Houston, we have a squirter
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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