WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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