there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
