I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
