You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
