Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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