I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
