she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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