So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
