I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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