the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
