And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
FUCK WHALES
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
