When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
