in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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