Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
