I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
