Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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