you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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