Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize