If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
