He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
