She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
