good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
