Kiss
Puke
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
