Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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