What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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