So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
