Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
