I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
