Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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