He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
