You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
