where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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