My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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