Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
