I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
