he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish life had little blips of pornography
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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