When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
