Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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