My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
